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- i hate being stuck with something that just wants to torture me bc just killing me would be too easy and the past 4 times they fucked it up. i hate how i was m*lested in a dream that felt real last night by them. i hate that i don’t even believe in myself. i haven’t done shit this whole week and it’s been so long it feels like a month. i feel so unlovable because of the crap scars and words all over me i can’t even feel ok in a t shirt or else i’ll be reminded of how i should ‘finish my job’. nobody likes this body, the blood in its veins, the shit it’s been through, the fact it’s still here, literally no one likes anything about it. im stuck in my own mind fighting myself and then stuck in the middle of nowhere with only company being people that fuck me over, because i can’t do anything when every day is just trying to feel important enough to say “ok sure ill go through all this again” and start another day. tbh i hate me just as much as whatever else does but why can’t i have any company that likes me? ammy is scared of them but still prefers them over me. the idea of being in a home that’s accepting and one where i could have a childhood i never did is far from any realism. why did my brain make a psychopath that just hates me if it wants to survive? there’s nothing worth keeping anymore? i’ve just been a husk for abuse my whole life. i thought maybe love could make things better until i was loved before so why even hope that it could make life redeeming now? why do i have to feel the same pain over and over?
Noni